just another (hypo)manic monday

i know it is not monday but fuck time!! going back to my roots with a ramble + a prompt!

you know when you’re falling in love and you feel like !!!!!!!! and also *soft the way water is soft* and also like omggg how did I not realize this person in front of me is so amazing bc they are amazing and how lucky am I to be in their world ??

I feel that way about ME. goodbye (for now) depression. hello (again) hypomania. My favorite kind of mania, personally.

A few months ago I saw someone write a post on here about why they love their disability, and I was so prickly with annoyance because my disability so often disables me and how can I love something which hurts me over and over again?

But in this moment I’m feeling like yeah, I do love* my Bipolar. I love that is encourages me to follow where my energies lie, to go at my own speed whether that be rightnow!yesterday! or over the course of many slow months, to show up as fully as I can without judgement for what that looks like even as it changes.

And I’m reflecting on my love life, and how every time fallen in love with someone else, I’m also falling in love with myself.

me + partner/friend/unknowable third thing = us

there is no us without everyone showing up! (thank you, loves of my life, past n present n future, for showing up <3)

and there is magic that happens when people come together, whether in a relationship or in art, and I’m seeking out these connections not only because I want to learn from those around me and be in community with other artists and sickos, but also because I want to be in community with myself.

I still have so much to learn. Almost 30… almost feeling like myself. almost always a bit unsure what feeling like myself even means.

But today! I’m feeling like me. And me is hot! is not getting a lot of sleep! is writing poemthings and ordering brussel sprouts at the bar! is eating my greens! is running art retreats! is curating zines! is applying for new jobs! is waiting impatiently for the money to roll in! is underpaid but that does not mean i’m not worth much! is feeling aligned with the exclamation point!!!! and is (trying) to not feel like the other shoe is about to drop.

Bipolar is a cycle, duh, but when I’m in one mood state I so often feel like that is my forever. And simultaneously, I feel a lot of anxiety about making plans because what if I’m making plans when I’m high energy only to fold into a depression in a few days, unable to carry out my manic schedule?

But this thing has been happening lately: I think she’s called hope? and self-acceptance? because since January until this week, I’ve been mostly very depressed, but I have been sticking to my art practice (thankful to past-me for making it accessible to all versions of me with low/med/high energy options). I’ve also been routinely sharing my art and reaching out when I need support and putting myself out there creatively and emotionally and omg things are starting to pay off !

Spring has sprung !! i am alive !! i’m gonna have a new job soon and my freelance things will take off and i will continue to ebb and flow and be proud of myself for that gentle flexibility !

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*a note on loving (or not loving) my disabilities: I know it is not so black and white, and I know I have a tendency to think very black and white, but there is so much room for nuance here. It’s hard to allow myself to dig into it sometimes because my adhd is so loud. My focus can wander so easily that sometimes, flattening an experience to just two ends of a spectrum make things possible for me to talk about. But that is it, I think: most things exist on a spectrum. Love is no different. And actually, rather than a linear spectrum I think the Neurodivergent Smorgasbord is the perfect thing to share here. I think a mind-map, for me, makes more sense than a scale to understand 1. what stuff my disabilities do to me and 2. how I might feel about it.

optional prompt: make a smorgasbord for your bodymind, for something you might be working thru and keep it where you can see it every now n then, as a reminder that your experiences are so layered and intricate, just like mine!

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okay off I go to officially start my day. I am picking up new business cards from the printer and trying wedding cake samples today!

xoxo,

Sarena