if/then

if grief is love run backwards then i need a time machine

if grief is love run backwards then i need a time machine

if i need a time machine then grief runs into love

if grief runs into love then i need a kaleidoscope or a klonopin

if i need a kaleidoscope or a klonopin then i must not be seeing clearly

if i must not be seeing clearly then i need an apple a day

if i need an apple a day then i might not need to brush my teeth

if i might not need to brush my teeth then i might not need to count my t’s and cross my eyes

if i might not need to cross my eyes and count my t’s then i might not need to throw salt over my shoulder

if i might not need to throw salt over my shoulder then i might be okay all by myself

if i might be okay all by myself then i might be okay with someone else or not you

if i might be okay with someone else or not you then you might not be okay with someone else just as you might be okay with someone else just as you might be okay just as you just you you might be okay okay you might be okay or not okay or someone else is not you

i blocked you on instagram and facebook and on my phone contacts and on venmo and still somehow your face on my screen on this day

if grief is love run backwards then i need running shoes to keep up

if grief is love run backwards then i need to go so far into the future it is the past and i need to feel it i need to look love in the eye and say fuck you what is the point if it hurts this much is the choice really to hurt this much now or later or to never let yourself get hurt i mean loved at all

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inspired by the wonderful

Tilly Moses

— Tilly wrote “If grief is love run backwards, then I loved humanity so much” before digging further into her experience of disabled grief. Read more here:

Some days, all I find inside me is grief

I have been thinking about this piece since I first read it two months ago. Thank you, Tilly, for having me as an early reader and for sharing these hard truths.

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This work is not about my beloved ex, the one who I’ve been writing the breakup long poemthing for. This one is about someone I love deeply who is not able to love me how I need, and that is unfortunately unreconcilable.

My grief is so big it empties me up. I say empties me up because my ex said that once and I don’t fully *know* what it means but it feels true. Maybe similar to hollows me out, but has an added feeling of fullness somehow.

anywho, hold your loved ones close and yourself closer.

Xoxo,

Sarena